


Archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police

by Ne-Tivity (Silitha)



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M, fan episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 06:27:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15382668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silitha/pseuds/Ne-Tivity
Summary: Night Vale Sheriffs Secret Police deposit.Evidence number: 14876WSH.  One recording from Night Vale Community Radio Station. One transcript of aforementioned recording.Entering Officer: 26163.Notes:Boss has discovered a small vortex in the office next to the photocopier and memory wiper.  After some tests with several paper clips, pebbles that were stuck in shoes, and one terrified hedgehog, we have determined we are able to place things in the vortex, then retrieve them again as long as we think about it with our tongues stuck out.Boss has now ordered the entire evidence archive of the secret police be moved to the vortex, despite the fact we had just overhauled the whole system last Tuesday god damn it.Anyway, we aren’t sure where this vortex goes, but let’s hope no one else can see these records...





	Archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police

September 18th. Night Vale:

Kites do not like whispering winds. They much prefer the gales of agony and terror.

Welcome, to Night Vale.

Hello listeners. Cecil here. And yes it is me. I have come down with the Transmorphic Flu. It is that time of decade after all. Luckily I have just developed some minor changes in my vocal chord area. I hear others have faired worse. Some are breaking out into whale shaped spots, some are breathing purple mist, and, the most unfortunate amongst us, are shimmering and then transporting to another plane, leaving behind only their sixth rib. 

The Nightvale Health Authority reminds residents to keep salacious thoughts about purple high lighters and mass sacrifice to the dark gods, to a minimum. This should keep the infection under control. Given proper chanting at the blood stone circles, the Health Authority say non permanent symptoms should clear up in about a week. 

I hope you can learn to love your spots.

In lighter news, this fair city of ours is abuzz. We are celebrating Night Vales First Annual Desert Shrub Appreciation Festival running this weekend. 

According to phone calls and emails we have received, the residents of Night Vale are pleasantly surprised by the City Councils appropriate use of tax payer dollars. Many felt they would be able to actually participate in the event, and that it fit the town ‘aesthetic’ much better than the Night Vale Harbour and Waterfront Recreation Area that doesn’t, and never did, exist. 

City Council, in a press release promoting the event, commented in a robotic Gregorian chant, that despite being called, the first annual, the fair has always existed and they always have good ideas. 

Of course you do City Council, and we appreciate it.

Residents were encouraged to wander into the Scrub Lands and Sand Wastes earlier this week, in order to locate the most interesting shrubbery. While there were a few citizens who unfortunately did not return, most did come back with some impressive displays of the local fauna. 

Denton Margrave, the guy who owns the house with the hydrangeas in Desert Creek, found one that resembles Mayoral Candidate Hiram McDaniels which is truly impressive considering most only grow into irregular sphere type shapes.

Even, Steve Carlsburg, entered a shrub. Which he adorned with tacky dollar store Christmas lights and claimed that it looked ‘completely and totally’ like the current president of the PTA, the ‘Glow Cloud’ 

Really Steve? You’re just embarrassing yourself now. You are not clever, nor artistic, nor edgy. If I was the mighty Glow Cloud, or some other gaseous entity, I would be INSULTED.

I hope the Glow Cloud drops a dead whale on your car.

Anyway listeners, I myself was fortunate enough to be able to enjoy the first day of the fair. Well, not by myself. 

Carlos and I are a couple, I’m just making sure you know, and it only make sense that we would enjoy the wonders of the celebration arm and arm, trying to admire the shrubs but only able to stare into Carlos’s warm, honey brown eyes...

Oh. Excuse me dear listeners. I promise I will try to stay more on track.

During my reverie, Intern Dana has brought me a notice saying that the judging for the shrub competition has been delayed, due to a dust up between the City Council and the Night Vale Sheriff’s Secret Police. Apparently, both thought the other was supposed be doing the judging, and both have entered their own shrub to the contest. With neither willing to concede, it leaves the situation at an impasse.

We shall report more as this develops.

In other happenings today, There has been a commotion at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. Several Milita members were seen running frantically and Teddy Williams could be heard screaming ‘Worm!’ at a very loud volume. Witnesses also said he was jumping up and down, pointing at the vacant, dark hole that still resides under the pin retrieval area of lane five.

Obviously Teddy Williams is behind the times, as we have already been informed some time ago that the worms had returned to Night Vale. 

Poor Teddy, you really should get some sleep.

What’s that Dana? Hold on dear listeners, I’ve been handed another print out.

Oh my. Well now this is just childish.

The situation at the First Annual Night Vale Desert Shrub Appreciation Festival has now devolved to fisticuffs, and literal ‘mud slinging’ between the Sheriffs Secret Police and the City Council. Considering the weather we’ve had lately, that is an irresponsible waste of water.

Numerous parties have tried to break up the disagreement, but Mayor Pamala Winchell released a statement saying ‘Just let them work it out. Every relationship has it’s rough periods. It’s rude to stare.’ She then dropped to all fours and croaked at several small children before promising to use her pull with the Librarians, should the situation get any more out of hand.

And now listeners, traffic.

Repairs have been completed on exit fifteen after last month issues with random sections of concrete inexplicably turning to grape flavoured agar agar.

It is truly amazing, if you think about it, how things, usually of gelatinous consistency, are able to mold themselves to any situation. 

What if people were like that?

What if you were like that?

What if you could respond to life, and all the vicious blows it sends your way, with a satisfying jiggling? And then continue jiggling, forcing life to watch you as you slowly come to rest.

And you could rest. Comfortable in your jelly like existence until something else prodded your squishy form. It doesn’t matter. You are content in your ability to handle this jostling.

Until life stabs you with a fork, and you realize that, no matter how squishable or fruit flavoured your body, life will find some way to crunch you between its teeth and swallow you, screaming, down its gullet and into its acidic stomach of hopelessness and death.

It is constant. It is inevitable.

This has been traffic.

The Night Vale community college would like to remind all citizens to turn in their re-education application forms, in accordance with City Councils vote last month, to make all schooling between the years of 2006 to 2010, defunct.

‘If you don’t turn in the forms you will have to start from kindergarten again,’ Demura Martin, head of the reschooling classes sent to us in an email this morning, ‘And considering increased elementary school enrolment, you would be hard pressed to get a spot. Meaning we would have to resort to trial by combat.’

She also stated, that to those who have handed in a form, make sure you turn in your tuition payment of three newts teeth, several unused decorative china plates, and a diary containing your deepest secrets to the colleges blood stone circle by next Thursday, or risk a fifty percent late charge.

Emergency broadcast dear listeners. We have received calls and emails during the traffic break, claiming that a gigantic, eyeless, acid spitting, tentacle covered worm is rampaging through south Night Vale. No one knows where this terrible monstrosity has come from! 

The Night Vale militia is doing their best, holding back the creature at Rico’s Pizza with sharpened broom handles and high temperature spatulas. But they are alone in their fight, as the usually quick to respond Sheriffs Secret Police are still locked in watered-down-soil combat with the City Council.

Someone must direct this emergency listeners! So I urge you! Run! Or, more appreciated, take up your own kitchen implements and defend our town! No giant, disgusting, acid spewing, tentacled invertebrate can break our unity!

Rise up Night Vale! Rise Up!

And now, the weather.

ꀤ ꎭꀤꌗꌗ ꓄ꌃꍟ ꁅꂦꂦꀸ ꂦ꒒ꀸ ꀸꍏꌩꌗ, ꍏꈤꀸ ꎭꌩ ꃅꍟꍏꋪ꓄ ꀤꌗ ꌃꋪꅏꍏꀘꀤꈤꁅ...

Good news and bad news residents. Well I don’t know what to think really.

During the break, the gigantic, eyeless, acidic and tentacled worm tore through Night Vale, killing and smashing and roaring until it reached the non existent Dog Park. Obviously the worm is not a resident of Night Vale, or it would have known that was a terrible, awful idea. After all, the Dog Park does not exist.

And, now brace yourself citizens, what happened next is truly, and honestly, terrifying, and horrific, and outstanding. 

As the worm reached into the park, several hooded figures began to cluster together. Then, as dark shadows do in a candle lit basement where one has been locked for month on end slowly losing grip on reality, they merged together, growing larger and darker until they were a great nightmare of shadow with countless and impossibly huge, violet irised eyes. It towered out of the dog park screeching with a static hiss. The Nightmare reached out one of its infinite clawed fists to the worm creature and dragged it screaming into its own abyssal flesh. Dragged the worm, into the dog park.

Witnesses say they heard more screams, then a terrifying squish. 

And then, all was silent.

Many citizens stood staring, until they remembered they shouldn’t and people turned, running away as the gate to the dog park opened. 

I’m not sure about this next part, as many refused to speak of what happened next, but the dog park gate flew open and several hooded figures darted out, snatching whoever was in reaching distance, and pulled them in, closing the gate behind them with a cacophonous boom.

Intern Dana has returned, and reports that while Teddy Williams has survived (he was on watch duty behind the Night Vale Stadium) many of the towns militia were crushed or melted by acid in the incident. Several citizens are also unaccounted for.

Please hang your heads citizens, and remember their sacrifice.

Now that the dust has settled, scientists have come forward and said the worm creature was released when several shrubs that had been holding it in place were suddenly uprooted.

When asked why the scientists were not consulted before holding the First Annual Night Vale Desert Shrub Appreciation Festival, the City Council waved their hands distractingly, making random owl sounds, and hissing. ‘Why would you ever think the worm and the festival are connected? Have you been eating wheat or wheat by products?’ They screeched, ‘We doubt you are even a biped.’

Word now from you, my dear listeners, is there has been a truce declared between the Night Vale City Council and the Sheriffs Secret Police. The stand off was broken by none other then the PTA president, the Glow Cloud. It hovered over the festival square and declared, ‘Submit puny vertebrates, submit and hail.’

‘All Hail,’

‘All, Hail. Glow Cloud.’

This brings us to the most unfortunate news of the day listeners. Due to unclear, but nonetheless great instructions by the PTA president, Steve Carlsburg has been declared winner of the First Annual Shrub Appreciation Festival.

While I am not one to argue with presidents my dear listeners, I will be making a formal appeal to this decision as Christmas Lights are not found in the Sand Wastes, the Scrub Lands, and they are generally not considered shrubs!

I am sorry my listeners. I try to remain as pragmatic as I can when delivering the new to your ears with my warm, sweet voice. But, as many can attest, I am passionate in my hatred.

Of Steve Carlsburg.

That’s right, you STEVE.

Oh there is yet another notice listeners. It’s from the City Council. It is being delivered in American Sign Language and interpretive dance by our intern Dana, through the booth glass. 

Hold on while I translate. 

Oh!

They have declared that the First Annual Night Vale Desert Shrub Appreciation Festival will be the last Night Vale Desert Shrub Appreciation Festival and that effective immediately we are to pretend it never happened. 

Because it never did. 

In fact the City Council has unanimously voted to ban September Eighteenth. It is no longer an acceptable date. We are to forget that there ever was a September eighteenth. They also added that citizens were to make sure there were hoem by ten pm, as the Sheriffs Secret Police will be comeing to make sure we all forget properly.

Well, this is an interesting development listeners. And sorry for those who have birthdays on this soon to be deleted day. 

Guess you’ll live forever.

And to Steve Carlsburg. 

This means your win is officially unofficial. You have never won anything. You are a loser. Ha!

Sorry. Perfect Carlos has said I need to work on my pettiness.

We are reaching the end of our program now listeners. As I close down, I am reminded that dear, sweet Carlos has promised to whip me up a batch of savoury parrot broth when I get home. It is the best remedy for Transmorphic Flu.

I hope you all have something to look forward to this evening, as I do. I hope your night can be spent sleeping, with fitful dreams, in a possibly destroyed house. But at least, we shall wake in the morning, unlike our lost commands.

Rest, Night Vale, on this non existent night until you wake into a legally allowed tomorrow.

Good Night, Night Vale, Good Night.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this small contribution to the Night Vale Fandom. I am considering uploading a recording of me doing the episode, but that remains to be seen :3


End file.
